Today was just one of those days. Or at least this morning was. The kind of day that didn’t go remotely as I expected it to (even though I didn’t really have many expectations of it to begin with). It was a morning that started off with an unexpected jolt, followed by a couple curve balls. & it was enough to leave me feeling weary by lunchtime. & as I sat on the counter top & ate my Chef Boyardee I felt tired. Not just the sleepy kind of tired, but more specifically the emotional kind of tired. I’ve never really used the word weary before to describe my own feelings. But today, I felt it. & it felt much bigger than just today. I didn’t fully understand it. I still kind of don’t. But I shared it with Jesus in prayer. I cried some of it out too.
As I talked with God, I laughed at myself as I pondered over how absurd it sounds to say that I feel like I need rest when right now I’ve been spending my recent days of limbo doing a whole lot of nothing. How can I need rest when I’m not even doing things that necessitate rest? & what I gathered is that this season of transition is weighing heavier on me as the days go by. I haven’t really felt settled or established somewhere in six months. We’ve been in transit. We’ve been in a waiting game. We’ve been in transition, but I don’t know exactly what I personally am transitioning to. & I’m growing weary of trying to make sense of it. Of trying to be optimistic even when I don’t really know what I’m trying to be optimistic about.
To be honest, I feel overly dramatic saying some of this, because it’s really not that bad. I promise you. But I’m just in one of those somber states of feeling weak from relying on my own strength in all things and trying to understand the jumbled mess of thoughts I’ve been processing. But oh how the Lord is teaching me that He took my yoke the day He died on the cross. That HE is my sustaining hope and strength in all things, in all days, even when I think “I got this.” It’s Him that I can always, and should always, rely on.
He’s also been revealing a lot to me about grace lately. One of those words that gets thrown around a lot in church, but I am just now starting to grasp onto the truth of it. Or at least a piece of it. Today, for me, grace meant allowing myself to sit on the couch snuggled up with my puppy and binge watching episodes of The Office, and not expecting anything more of myself. To not feel like I should be accomplishing something instead. To set my mind aside for an afternoon to rest. In reality, I could have been doing something more productive with my afternoon. But sometimes I need to let myself of the hook and not demand so much of me. I need to give myself grace.
Now just because I’ve felt weighed down by this season doesn’t mean that it’s over yet. I’m still in this. & so I’m going to start praying daily to be sustained by Jesus’s strength & for more and more grace. Because Lord knows I need it!
For I will satisfy the weary soul, and every languishing soul I will replenish. Jeremiah 31:25
Is there anything that you need to give yourself grace for today?